As I eagerly look down, I begin to wonder, where this all started? How this all happened, and when I first start feeling this kind of pain, that left me in two minds, contemplating the easiest escape? I wondered.
The cool summer breeze swept through my thin and fragile hair, back and forth, back and forth. With every strand of its movement I felt the time ticking; this could all be over soon, but when? The question pondered in my mind as I thought of the reason why I was doing this in the first place?
For them? No, I don’t think so. I was doing this for my happiness, my freedom, myself. But nobody would understand.
Fluffy, white clouds covered the bright blue sky limiting the suns shine, but none the less it was indeed a beautiful day. The birds chirped, the kids screamed with joy, everything was pretty normal except for me. I was losing my mind.
I constantly thought of a place of peace, trust, kindness, love, gratitude and so many other nice things that gave me a rushing warm sensation, and made me feel a familiar completeness. But the only thing standing in the way was I.
Honestly, I am a wreck. Being born was the worst thing that could ever happen to me, and if I could change that, then it would have never happened.
I’ve been through too much. Pain after pain and guess what? Even more pain. I’m sick and tired; do you know how many times I’ve cried in anguish? Begging, pleading for everything wrong to stop, for a change to come, for just a little dose of joy? Well neither do I.
And now, I’m at a place where my desire to reach ultimate happiness is within my reach. But the only thing standing in the way is I, and yet again nobody understands.
I have never felt this level of control, and for the first time in my life the power is in my hand. I can choose to end it all now, no noise, no fuss, no questions and definitely no explanations. I can be in that place that my heart so desperately seeks, away from them and away from the me that I greatly despise. The person I look at every single day, the failure, the condemned, the one I wish was never me.
I was doing it for myself…. right?
in this moment my happiness was all that mattered, it did not matter that the world was against me, that society judged me, told me who I was, where I was going, that I was never good enough, never ever good enough for them or anybody, a curse to mankind. I would not even be missed.
My last tear dropped. This will be the final time the earth feels any of my tears.
I take another look down; the world looks so beautiful from up here, various colours, shapes and so much going on. I am amazed at how perfect it all seems when you take a look from another angle. I feel the warm summer breeze wrap around me like a snug winter coat, I cannot help but smile. The sun begins to peek through the clouds expelling dazzling rays of light so precisely upon me that I stand in awe whilst turning my focus upwards. This moment is beautiful, the air feels so refreshing and promising, overwhelmed and captured by it all I am quickly forced to remember Him, my first love.
Thoughts come flooding back to a time when I was truly happy, a time when the only thing that mattered was Him, the man who loved me first, both in my imperfections and weaknesses. He was the one who stood beside me faithfully, lovingly, and promised never to let me walk alone. I was the one who betrayed him; I danced with the sound of darkness and turned away from the love he so generously gave. He paid the ultimate price for me,
FOR ME.
And because of my ways, I no longer knew Him and I no longer knew myself, the real me that He created.
I now understand that the only thing that has ever stood in my way was I, I am not to be defined by anything I feel or anything I hear, I am greater than all my fears and inadequacies. I am me, ‘Fearfully and wonderfully made’ by Him my first love, the one who understands, the one who completes me. I should have never forgotten, but now I remember, and I guess I always will…
*Dedicated to a friend*
